Overcome Your Resistance To Change

Everybody resists change. Sometimes resisting change is good… but often it’s not.

  • Resistance is good when it helps us pay attention and focuses us.
  • Resistance is unhealthy when it paralyzes us or holds us back from being our best.

Being aware of what you are resisting and what is holding you back is informative and empowering. If you are going to be the best you can be, you have to learn to explore what is going on when you feel resistance. In today’s world, not changing usually means falling behind and eventually being left behind. But, by adapting to change you are more likely to reach your full potential.

So, lets explore how to overcome your resistance to change.

Step #1: What Do You Feel?

You don’t resist all change – even today. Change is exciting for many reasons, like when you get a new smartphone, a new car or a new home. Under those circumstances you deal with the learning curve and discomfort with a big smile.

Change is also difficult for many reasons. For example, when you are feeling:

  • Disrespected from not being involved
  • Frustrated with the amount of work required
  • Loss of what you built and will have to leave behind
  • Fear from not knowing what is going to happen next.
  • Other?

Nothing is going to empower you more than understanding the source of your resistance. When you begin examining what‘s holding you back, you may find the exact resource you need that will help you move forward productively.

And yes, you will likely feel vulnerable. If you are the strong confident type who others depend on you are likely not used to exposing your vulnerabilities. You are going to have to find a safe space or a safe person who you can confide in. You need to create an impartial, reliable, qualified support system. Note: your best friend may be reliable, but they may not be impartial or qualified. This is where a professional, certified coach may work. More on this below in #5.

Step #2: Consider The Upside Of Change 

Many people resist change because they fear the unknown and/or don’t want to repeat a negative experience. Unfortunately, using resistance as a way to protect yourself often backfires because it limits your experiences. Instead of looking at the limitations and risks that come with change, try to look at change as the very thing that opens the door to your next opportunity.

Most beliefs are learned or put in place to protect us emotionally and physically. So, choose to believe that change is a good. When you choose your perspective, you can easily rewire your internal system around change. For example, you can choose to believe “change is doable because I are resourceful,” or “change brings me amazing opportunities”.

Ask yourself “What would I do if I wanted change to work?” Explore what is important to you – and what isn’t? And, it’s always a good idea to explore how your resistance may jeopardize your personal / professional priorities.

Step #3: A Little Research Goes A Long Way

Find out more about the change you are being asked to make. Empower yourself by informing yourself, especially if you are naturally risk averse.

If change is happening at work, speak with your supervisor or someone appropriate. Why is the change happening? Your senior team should have explained this, but if your nature requires more detail then it’s OK to ask for it. Another way you can find out more is to go online and do some research on the topic. If your company is using a service provider, are they leaders in their field? Are there other service providers? Are there product or service reviews you can learn from?

Step #4: Stop Playing Hide-And-Seek

Pain and discomfort only happen during the transition… soon you’ll find the requested change isn’t so bad after all.

Hiding the problem won’t make it go away. If you start isolating yourself and / or you have lost interest in important things like work, hobbies, friends and family, be careful that you are not sliding into a depression. Monitor your anxiety is negative self-talk. The story you tell yourself can seriously affect your default behaviours. If you catch yourself saying, “I’m scared,” replace it with, “I’m courageous,” or “This is the right move forward.” Judging yourself only keeps you stuck… so stop it.

Accept that the future will be better when you do what you need to… for you, your family and/or your company. Be proud of yourself, and each time you do remind yourself that you are human and that it’s ok to lean on someone from time-to-time.

Warning: Too much positive affirmation can become an endless circle of never-ending non-action. You have to take action – don’t get stuck in reflection and planning. Care enough for yourself to not get stuck.

Step #5: Involve Someone Else

Resisting change is a serious thing. A little can be tolerated but a lot can really hold you back. When you are faced with a big decision and you are resisting, look for someone experiencing the same change request. If you are at work there is likely are a few of you being asked to change, so help each other. I don’t mean get together and groan because misery loves company. Instead, get together and explore how you can support each other to move forward and accept, influence and implement change… to get over your resistance. Explore the upside of change together.

A coach can help ensure you are held accountable and can provide the reality check you need. Things are less scary when you have someone with you. Note: Not every coach will be the right fit for you / your personality. If you go that route, interview a few and see who fits.

Step #6: Take A Step – Do Something

Make a list, take baby steps if necessary…but do something. Even if you can’t change 100% right away, do something to help you build a new habit. One approach when you are unsure how to start is to start anywhere. At least you are doing something and you can always back-track as necessary.

Accept that it is scary… and may be humbling, especially if you are used to being in control. Accept you will not be perfect… at least at first.

“What we see depends mainly on what we look for.” (John Lubbock: Banker, Liberal politician, Philanthropist)

Conclusion: Overcome Your Resistance To Change

Resisting change is the same as resisting reality.

Embrace a learning mindset in every situation. Evaluate the change request before you respond to it. Ask yourself, “Would I want to work with someone looking for solutions or someone known to resist change?” Hopefully you want to work with someone looking for solutions.

Change always takes time and effort. Change means you have to build new habits – and this usually takes 20-30 days to lock down a new habit. You have to reinforce that bundle of nerves in your brain to change your default settings.

You can’t hold onto something (a job for example), whose time has passed. This will only narrow your options… quickly. No amount of wishing, manipulating, forcing. or hoping can change that. Change allows you to be innovative. Now is the time to learn as much as you can. Don’t miss all of the wonderful opportunities that are right in front of you by staying focused on the past.

PS: People often get to a point where they are done resisting, they can’t do it anymore because they realize there is a far to great a cost to their:

  • Self-esteem
  • Reputation
  • Talent
  • Attitude
  • Emotion
  • Weight
  • Relationships
  • $ / Job / Promotion
  • Health

I hope you enjoyed this post. Thank you for sticking with me – I know it was a long one.


Bruce Mayhew Consulting facilitates courses including Generational Differences, Leadership Skills, Motivation Skills, Difficult Conversation Training, Business Email Etiquette, Time Management, Mindfulness and more.

Find answers to your Professional Development questions / needs at brucemayhewconsulting.com.

Call us at 416.617.0462.

Never Argue Again… With 1 Easy Idea

Daniel Goleman, is the father of Emotional Intelligence (EI). He defines ‘Experience’ as our Senses (what we see, hear, taste etc.) + Perception (what we understand, believe etc.).

Senses + Perception = Experience
see, hear, taste + understand or believe = Experience

Think about this simple equation next time you have a disagreement.

Your disagreement will almost certainly depend on the emotion you feel (anger, disgust, fear or surprise) in response to an experience you are having versus the experience I (as an example), am having.

Let’s break that down. You and I are likely sensing (seeing) the same thing. This means our disagreement is almost 100% based on what you understand or believe and what I understand and believe. So, instead of getting into a heated argument that is emotional… and risk us both getting irrational… you and I should instead try to calmly explore what each of us believe with an open mind. For example:

  • Where did you learn what you believe? What supporting evidence do you have?
  • Where did I learn what I believe? What supporting evidence do I have?
  • Could things have changed since you and I learned what we believe? Has the software been upgraded for example? Has there been a new policy the company has adopted? Have the neighbours had another child – or moved?
  • Could you possibly be wrong, just a little?
  • Could I possibly be wrong, just a little?
  • Does our disagreement matter to the bigger picture? Is there an even bigger – more important objective to focus on?

I often think we as a society get our backs up far too quickly and put each other into ‘My Camp’ or ‘Your Camp’ far too quickly and easily. Who says we need to be adversaries Instead, by being curious, being open minded and sharing each other’s experiences we both might come up with a unique and new solution… and more respect for each other.

We hope you enjoyed this post.

Bruce Mayhew Consulting facilitates courses including Generational Differences, Leadership Skills, Motivation Skills, Difficult Conversation Training, Business Email Etiquette, Time Management, Mindfulness and more.

Find answers to your Professional Development questions / needs at brucemayhewconsulting.com.

Call us at 416.617.0462.


Beliefs & Change Management

About a month ago I wrote about beliefs. I frequently discuss beliefs – most often in the Difficult Conversation training I do – but I think a discussion is relevant in this public forum because how beliefs impact our minute-by-minute experiences and behavior. I also think the discussion is relevant because the current international political climate provides many a unique ‘global’ examples of how beliefs impact change as well as strengthen and weaken bonds.

At a basic level our beliefs define us and our behaviour. As I said in my earlier post, Beliefs are the foundation for what we believe about ourselves and the world around us… they may also represent what we WANT to believe about ourselves and the world around us.”Beliefs and Change Management

So as a discussion point, let me begin by asking you… “What motivates you to change your beliefs?” I’m sure you’ll agree that it takes a lot to change your beliefs… especially deeply held beliefs. Changing a belief is rarely easy; it usually takes time and patience – even if someone is open to listening / learning. But imagine trying to change someone’s belief who has a vested interest in keeping his or her belief intact. For example:

  • Imagine I believe I deserve a promotion (and then don’t get it).
  • Imagine I believe the way we’ve always done it is how we should do it moving forward.
  • Imagine I believe a politician will bring my job back – even though automation has been shrinking the global workforce for years.
  • Imagine my whole life I’ve believed I hate all green vegetables, (even though I’ve only ever tasted spinach… once… 20 years ago).

Trying to force people (or countries), to change their beliefs doesn’t work. Personally, I hold on steadfast if I feel pressured – I bet you act similarly. Or, if we are forced to change our belief – we may do it only to get our bosses off our back or to fit in (peer pressure), and we go back to our original belief as soon as we can. Pressuring others to change his or her beliefs just doesn’t work.

But change is inevitable and change is accelerating. This means we have to learn safe ways to challenge each others beliefs. Change management requires we help people make informed decisions and help each other evolve to take advantage of new opportunities… and not hold onto beliefs that will hurt us in the short or long-term.

Sure – believing you hate green vegetables isn’t going to do you much harm (I hope you are eating other vegetables). But holding onto the belief that your product / service shouldn’t evolve may have long-term negative consequences.

When we question our beliefs and they remain intact then that is great… in fact, we might find a deeper understanding of our beliefs. But, we must be open to the exploration… and to the reality that our beliefs may change… and that either way we will be better because we’ve evolved.

How do we begin the process of exploring our beliefs? Or, how do we introduce the idea to our team? My recommendation is as follows:

  • Step 1. Set ground rules for engaging – set a space of mutual respect
  • Step 2. Everyone must be open to listen, learn and share, but never try to force change.
  • Step 3. Agree to set aside negative judgment or biases.
  • Step 4. Everyone must accept science, data and proven theories – we cannot accept lies or untruths.
  • Step 5. Faith is OK. However, if you want others to respect that you have ‘faith’ – you must respect other people’s ‘faith’ equally.

I strongly agree with a famous quote from Senator Daniel Patrick “Pat” Moynihan, (March 16, 1927 – March 26, 2003), “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.” I believe that we can choose to believe in something – have faith in something that is unproven… but our belief can not dispute what is scientifically proven or state your unproven belief as fact (or Alternative Facts).

Since 2017 may go down as a year of ‘Alternative Facts’ I think Senator Moynihan’s words are critically important. Basically, I believe what Senator Moynihan means is if I’m going to say I hate all green vegetables, I had better have tried all of them… or at least most of them. I can’t dismiss all green vegetables if I have only had one experience.

If you are a leader, consider the people around you. When you help them understand their beliefs and enter into respectful dialogue about those beliefs (not a threatened argument), you can trust them to make good decisions in the context of change management.

All of this assumes that the beliefs in question aren’t morally or legally problematic or go against corporate values, mission or vision. For example: If my belief is that I should be able to drive 120kms in a school zone… then I’m going to have to change… no compromise. And if my belief goes against society norms or law, I will accept the consequences of standing up for my beliefs.

In the end, I cannot correct your beliefs and I cannot be responsible for your beliefs or actions… only you can.

As long as we are both speaking truth and can back up our position with reliable data, we have to accept each others statements and beliefs. I can engage you – challenge you – I can even express if I agree with you or not – but I can not force you to change. And, in the end perhaps you don’t change your belief – but after an open, honest respectful dialogue we have a better understanding on how to move forward… with (hopefully), greater mutual respect. And, through the experience we may learn there are multiple ways to understand the world. Your way and my way are not mutually exclusive.


We owe it to ourselves to ask difficult questions and to watch, listen and learn from people we respect. And, we also need to respect proven data and think independently. In the end, you and I are the only people who can truly determine what is best for ourselves.

And yes, unfortunately there are truly hateful people – people bent on cheating others, but when we know better we do better. When we are aware of our beliefs and our core values we can act independently and make decisions with confidence. We can be sure our beliefs will guide our actions well.

Happy communicating… mentoring… and training.

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Bruce Mayhew Consulting facilitates courses including Business Writing, Email Etiquette, Time Management and Mindfulness.

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Find answers to your Professional Development questions / needs at brucemayhewconsulting.com.

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Change Beliefs At Work

Changing a belief is rarely an easy thing to do (if at all possible). On one hand beliefs can be as socially harmless as food preferences and on the other hand beliefs can be as socially controversial as religion and politics. At work, beliefs can hold you back professionally and hold back the future success of the organization you work for… if your beliefs cause you to resist change.

Changing Beliefs

Changing beliefs is like a house of cards.

People resist change because beliefs help define our social network; and frame how we behave; they establish boundaries. Beliefs are the foundation for what we believe about ourselves and the world around us… they may also represent what we WANT to believe about ourselves and the world around us. They begin developing when we are born and we never stop building new ones or reinforcing the ones we already have.

Don’t expect all beliefs to be rational. We – as a species our natural pattern builders. That is often how we learn and often how we build beliefs… including irrational or untrue beliefs. For example: Say you tried spinach as a young child and didn’t like it. Justifiably, from that moment on you would believe you didn’t like spinach. And then, you were introduced to kale and lettuce. It is likely you would believe – without even tasting kale or lettuce – that you also do not like those vegetables. That ‘pattern building’ is called Cognitive dissonance (see below).

Pressure to change beliefs and embrace new ideas can catapult us into a scary, undesirable departure from the security we know and depend on. Also, beliefs are built one on top another; one belief may be a cornerstone of many… so changing beliefs is often like a house of cards – one impacting many others. To change (or evolve), one belief, many beliefs may be ‘adjusted’.

Understand Beliefs / Change Beliefs / Evolve Beliefs

Changing a friends’ or co-workers’ beliefs can take seconds… or years. Blind spots, prejudice, and ingrained biases are among the hardest things to overcome. In general, when trying to change beliefs show emotion but don’t be emotional. To do this, listen with empathy and understanding not judgment or attitude. NOTE: This doesn’t mean you have to agree.

Before you begin to influence others, take a look at yourself. How do your beliefs control your opinions and actions? Are you open to new ideas? Where did some of your most prominent beliefs come from… you know – the ones like food preferences, politic and religion? Did you inherit any of them from your family?

Already – by reading this post you are far ahead of the next guy when it comes to understanding and changing beliefs (yours and theirs). Most of us are not aware our thoughts, feelings and actions are largely controlled by beliefs we’ve never explored or questioned. So, be mindful that it’s natural for people to put up a wall / get defensive when they feel judged, fear of being wrong, looking stupid or losing their social network / standing. Your friends or co-workers may be putting up a wall because they feel vulnerable and attacked.

Much of our ability to rationalize unsubstantiated, hurtful and even harmful beliefs is explained by Cognitive dissonance and Confirmation bias… neither I will explain here – but I do recommend you look into further.

  • Cognitive dissonance: When your mind tries to hold two conflicting ideas at the same time – like doctors who smoke and justify their habit because they believe it helps them not gain weight… another health risk they may be justifying as more risky.
  • Confirmation bias: Seeking confirmation of our beliefs using any possible evidence… even far-fetched evidence… thereby minimizing the importance of conflicting, highly relevant evidence.

Until we become self-aware and willing to explore ‘old’ biases and a ‘new’ ideas, our beliefs will – at some point – block our future potential. The wonderful thing is that once people voluntarily change / evolve beliefs, the new behavior is usually permanent and fully supported by the individual.

Remove The Threatening Voice

I find it really helpful to find a common goal and to acknowledge that while we my have different beliefs, we agree to have a respectful discussion. I like the idea of each of us self-identifying how / where / when our beliefs create possibilities for us… and also limitations. Create a safe place… socially and emotionally. Explore your and their beliefs by looking at:

  • Why they were formed
  • How are your beliefs helping you
  • How  your beliefs are hurting / restricting your / our possibilities now
  • Could there be new evidence that supports or disproves your beliefs

Give people encouragement and space. Perhaps though listening and non-threatening discussion, the person will likely come to their own conclusion that their beliefs are holding them back and it’s time to change beliefs / evolve beliefs. You may be surprised of the power of deep – non-judgmental listening.

At some point you may feel you can ask them if they want to change their belief and the impact it has on their life and the people around them. At this stage you may need to explore what is (has been), holding them back from changing (Cognitive dissonance / Confirmation bias). But be careful, if you make someone feel wrong or feel threatened, their defenses will likely turn on strong… and once defenses are up it will be near impossible to gain their trust.

When you help them understand why some of their beliefs exist and the impact they have on their actions / thoughts… you can begin to help them accept new beliefs (without judgment). When you do there’s a very good chance that you both will become even more committed to your relationship.


Remember, we can really only control our own beliefs… so allow yours to be elastic – not rigid. Recognize when your beliefs are holding you and or others back. Learn to listen to your subconscious and to respond with thoughtfulness and compassion – not ReAcT… which often comes across with frustration and judgment.

The important part is to never stop exploring your own mind and your reasons for your actions – otherwise, you might find yourself holding on to out-of-date beliefs that are limiting your potential before you know it.

Work on changing hearts – not minds. Once you change a heart you make a permanent change.

Happy communicating… interviewing… mentoring… and training.

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If you enjoyed this post we think you’ll like:

Bruce Mayhew Consulting facilitates courses including Business Writing, Email Etiquette, Time Management and Mindfulness.

Bruce Mayhew on Canada AM

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Find answers to your Professional Development questions / needs at brucemayhewconsulting.com.

Call us at 416.617.0462.

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I’d enjoy reading your comments on this post.


Beliefs became a topic of study when I was developing my Managing Difficult Conversations training program. I kept asking myself; “When and How do we change beliefs?” and ”What are the barriers that keep you and I locked into our beliefs not wanting – or not able to change?”

So lets answer these questions… and if you have any other questions or thoughts, please comment / submit them below.

What Are Beliefs?


Changing a belief; like climbing a mountain.

Beliefs govern our behaviour. I like how James P. Carse (Professor Emeritus of history and literature of religion at New York University), explains beliefs as having boundaries.

I’m visually oriented (please stick with me), so in my mind I see the beliefs / boundaries as walls of a home. This home has rooms which contain and support our goals and values. We are very comfortable and feel protected in this home. There are doors and windows, but the windows have curtains (that makes it difficult to see a different perspective), and the doors are locked. We cannot leave unless we choose to unlock the door and then make another choice to leave the house (but those two actions don’t happen easily).

This home is built using the social, political and entertainment norms we’ve grown up with. It’s also built with the education and the experiences we’ve had. We experience conflict and feel stress when our boundaries (our beliefs), are exposed to different norms that we can’t ignore (like someone banging on the door). Argh!!! And shouting “Go Away” doesn’t work.

Our Beliefs Guide Our Behaviour

When we are calm and happy in our home, our beliefs guide the ideas we have, our judgements and assumptions. They create a base for many of the automatic responses we have to the world around us. Beliefs act as support structures for our behaviour and control our actions like:

  • Where we live
  • Who we spend time with
  • How we behave
  • How we think others should behave
  • What grocery stores or restaurants we attend
  • For Millennials And Gen Zers especially, it’s likely their beliefs will guide who they work for

Beliefs Can Be Helpful: Because our beliefs shape our actions and how we experience the world, we depend on their consistency to keep us safe and to help us make predictable, automatic decisions. We don’t have to analyze every moment of our lives and every decision. Our boundaries make life easy because we stop being curious about many things.

Beliefs Can Be Restrictive: Because our beliefs create a boundary within which inquiry and curiosity is very limited, our beliefs keep us from trying new things. Beliefs have rigidity and closure – we can actually become fearful of trying new things…  surprise is ruled out. Most of the time when this happens (and this is important), people do not realize how constrained beliefs keep them.

When we react automatically without thinking or analysis it feels safe, it saves time, it feels good… it can even make us feel smart… and this is why it’s so difficult to change people’s mind.

Believing offers people emotional safety, the potential to speak with authority… to be respected and even honoured.

Changing Beliefs

Believers will always be able to answer any question and their answer will seem perfectly rational (to them), even if there is no proof. If you don’t agree with their beliefs then they’ll think you are the one who is wrong… which makes it difficult to win an argument with a believer.

Asking someone to adopt new beliefs puts their current reality and support structures at risk; you are asking them to move from a familiar and secure place. This will be very unsettling to them – feelings most people try to avoid. Because we depended on our barriers of beliefs, we will accept even illogical arguments to support them.

Changing BeliefsTo change a belief you have to create a reality where the person will feel safe. Believers must have something new to believe in – new support structures (including new emotional supports). Then, give them an opportunity to change/migrate their beliefs – like a ship crossing an ocean moving from one port to another.

Stories are powerful tools to change beliefs because stories often trigger emotions, and emotions are proven to be better motivators than logic. Stories push creativity – curiosity – wonder – ideas – judgment – humanity – empathy – compassion and… independent thought.

Like I suggested above, logic alone will often not work (if it did people would not smoke). But if you are able to emotionally trigger people, you’ll be on your way to changing their beliefs.


Beliefs give us security, dependability and confidence; we use them to justify our behaviour. They control almost every decision we make or judgement we have. Our beliefs help us predict what tomorrow will bring and give us the confidence and comfort to predict the types of challenges we might face, the people we will meet, how we will act, the conversations we will have, the foods we will eat – and so on.

Beliefs make our lives easier… we depend on them even thought our beliefs are often illogical, unproven and even contradictory. And yet, we count on them for much of our emotional and practical well-being.

PS: Supporting Our Beliefs About People

Beliefs give us rules on how we should act and in many cases what to think. Because of this we tend to decide whether we like or dislike people very quickly – often based on one thing. We then use every other experience we have with that person to support our decision; for example, you may think “I like Doug’s politics,” therefore you’ll find Doug’s voice pleasant and then might begin to list all the things you have in common…. however, if you don’t like Doug’s politics, you will likely find many other things about them unpleasant (like their voice or how they dress). In other words, if you believe in the conclusion, you will also begin to believe any of the arguments (strong or weak), that will support the conclusion. Like saying “I don’t like fish because I don’t like the smell of canned smoke oysters.”

Happy communicating.

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If you enjoyed this post we think you’ll like:

Bruce Mayhew Consulting facilitates courses including Business Writing, Email Etiquette, Time Management and Mindfulness.

Bruce Mayhew on Canada AM

Click on the image to watch us on Canada AM.

Find answers to your Professional Development questions / needs at brucemayhewconsulting.com.

Call us at 416.617.0462.

View Bruce Mayhew's profile on LinkedIn

Bruce Mayhew Consulting

I’d enjoy reading your comments on this post.


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